Here's another blast from the past - almost a year after the first journal entry I posted:
There is apparently a revival in Florida with Todd Bentley. We're watching the 50-somethingth service online at the church right now. He came for 3-4 nights and ended up staying quite a bit longer. I've come to observe. I don't know what I think about this sort of stuff anymore. It's not that I don't think it's of God. I guess I'm just wondering about all the people involved. I just want to know what everyone's thinking. Does the worship team struggle with pride? Is Todd or any leadership worn out from 50 straight nights of meetings? Why are people showing up? To get a high? Because they're conference junkies? To see a show of miracles? To change their lives? To become closer to God? The people from my church, why do they come to watch this? What's the difference between a song being anointed and it just working and sounding really good? What do people think about when they sing about God being "holy?" I've never gotten that. Pastor went to this revival for the past couple days. He texted me from Florida to ask me to play keys for him tomorrow. Sunday morning could be interesting.
I just really don't know what to do with all this. I feel like I don't have a good foundation. I feel like I've been raised on speaking in tongues, miracles, signs and wonders, revival and all the other extra Pentecostal stuff and that I haven't gotten a good solid foundation in the basics of Christianity like love and forgiveness and patience and a daily relationship with God rather than being filled with the "Holy Ghost". So I slip and slide everywhere and change my mind and believe then doubt and get so worn out all the time. I've been raised on icing - I'm missing the cake. A.D.D - it irks me when, at a conference, the guy on the stage says something and people cheer...sorry, it may be stupid but it bugs me - seems a lot like hype...now the worship leader has "holy laughter".......
Personally, I'm all conferenced out - for crazy charasmatic/pentecostal/revival/change-my-life-in-a-weekend kind of conferences. Who calls it a revival? The leadership of the church? Todd? Other people? Is it a revival meeting before "revival" hits? or was it just teaching services that turned into "revival?"
Oh, and the shaking and falling and groaning get me too - does this change anything? What's the point of it? Why do some people do it and others don't? Here's the "holy laughter" again.
How do we know that when someone yells "fire" in a revival service, conference or prayer that people aren't trained and don't trick themselves into thinking they feel hot or tingly or whatever they "feel" as the fire or power of God?
"Fire!" "More!" "Glory!" "Hallelujah!" "Drink!" "Fill!"
I should probably be open and willing and ready to receive but I'd like to know if God or this revival or "the glory" or whatever is powerful enough to overcome my skepticism.
Why can't I taste or smell or see or feel the presence of God?
The worship leader/piano player just fell off his stool and stopped playing because he's under the "power or God." If I was there, you couldn't lose me. I'd still be playing, straight-faced.
*I then list all the "healings" and "miracles" that happen that all, all of which can't be verified that the illness or disability existed in the first place (cancer, deafness) and therefore can't be verified that they were actually healed.
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