So I found this the other day, all the way back from 2007. It's a journal entry about my beliefs and my questions and such and I thought I'd share because a) I find it interesting looking back and seeing the beginnings of where I am now and b) sort of to prove that this definitely has not been a very recent change - that it has been a long time coming. So here goes:
I've been thinking a lot about my relationship with God -- or lack thereof. I've heard that the longer you've been a Christian, the better/more you should know God. It makes sense. I should know God more this year than I did last year. I really should at least know Him more this month than last month, but we'll go with years because I don't even have that. I keep going over the same things over and over again. I don't really know how to explain it right...I guess I'm just following the rules...well, sort of. Yeah, like I flee sexual immorality, I don't lie, steal, cheat, dishonor my parents, take the Lord's name in vain, I don't work on Sundays, kill people (or hate them), covet, gossip, do drugs or drink alcohol, etc..you get the picture. but I don't know how to love God. I hate praying. I know how terrible that sounds..that means that I hate talking to God..ouch...but I do -- I get so bored and tired and would much rather do something else. Besides, there's always too much and not enough to pray for -- too many people and situations to pray for and not enough answers and things to pray for about them. and I really don't like reading my bible. If I'm reading a book and the author adds in bible verses, I skip them...They're annoying and I hate reading them. I hate sitting down and really reading the Bible because whatever I learn, I forget almost right away. I can never remember what I read about the day before. So what purpose does it serve? I know that if I want it to stick and everything, I have to really get into and study it and apply it, but I just don't want to. I sing/play on the worship team and lead worship but all I do is sing. I don't think about the words or consider whether it's pleasing God or not, or really even think about God at all. I think about the chords I'm playing, the way the drummer is playing, the way the bass players stands, the funny notes on the side of the music from the original that was previously used by another worship team member, how I can make the harmony sound better when there's no third harmony, etc. Midst all that, who has time to think about God? I'm just being honest about how I'm feeling and thinking these days. I know it's no good but I have to get it out to figure it out. I think I'm just too used to the Christianity thing. I can't seem to get past the flesh stuff to get to God. I guess in some ways, I'm bitter. About what? I'm not entirely sure. But I am bitter. When I talk about bitterness, my heart hurts and I tear up. What am I bitter about? The church, being used in the ministry, not having a real childhood, being eternally depended on, feeling like a disappointment when I take a break, being responsible for so many things, wanting to quit but wanting to please, being criticized and gossiped about, being verbally and emotionally attacked, being left out, being ignored, being lost and expected to find my own way, being misunderstood, being stabbed in the back, being lied to. And I don't know how to get past it all to get to God and what He really wants me to do and how He wants me to do it. I feel like praying is really emotional and sensing the Holy Spirit's presence is impossible for me. I can't see it, hear it, smell it, taste it, or feel it. You could tell me that it's there and I'd just have to believe you. I'm tired of all the church stuff. I don't know what to do. Anyway, I'm sure that if I did talk to God and all that jazz and actually had the right motives in place, I'd know what I was doing about life but it seems like even when I do fast and pray and read the Word and try to listen for God's voice, I'm as lost as I was when I started. I'm back to the whole "I can't hear God's voice" idea when it seems like everyone else doesn't have a hearing problem. Once again, I just don't know how to get around it.
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