Here's another blast from the past - almost a year after the first journal entry I posted:
There is apparently a revival in Florida with Todd Bentley. We're watching the 50-somethingth service online at the church right now. He came for 3-4 nights and ended up staying quite a bit longer. I've come to observe. I don't know what I think about this sort of stuff anymore. It's not that I don't think it's of God. I guess I'm just wondering about all the people involved. I just want to know what everyone's thinking. Does the worship team struggle with pride? Is Todd or any leadership worn out from 50 straight nights of meetings? Why are people showing up? To get a high? Because they're conference junkies? To see a show of miracles? To change their lives? To become closer to God? The people from my church, why do they come to watch this? What's the difference between a song being anointed and it just working and sounding really good? What do people think about when they sing about God being "holy?" I've never gotten that. Pastor went to this revival for the past couple days. He texted me from Florida to ask me to play keys for him tomorrow. Sunday morning could be interesting.
I just really don't know what to do with all this. I feel like I don't have a good foundation. I feel like I've been raised on speaking in tongues, miracles, signs and wonders, revival and all the other extra Pentecostal stuff and that I haven't gotten a good solid foundation in the basics of Christianity like love and forgiveness and patience and a daily relationship with God rather than being filled with the "Holy Ghost". So I slip and slide everywhere and change my mind and believe then doubt and get so worn out all the time. I've been raised on icing - I'm missing the cake. A.D.D - it irks me when, at a conference, the guy on the stage says something and people cheer...sorry, it may be stupid but it bugs me - seems a lot like hype...now the worship leader has "holy laughter".......
Personally, I'm all conferenced out - for crazy charasmatic/pentecostal/revival/change-my-life-in-a-weekend kind of conferences. Who calls it a revival? The leadership of the church? Todd? Other people? Is it a revival meeting before "revival" hits? or was it just teaching services that turned into "revival?"
Oh, and the shaking and falling and groaning get me too - does this change anything? What's the point of it? Why do some people do it and others don't? Here's the "holy laughter" again.
How do we know that when someone yells "fire" in a revival service, conference or prayer that people aren't trained and don't trick themselves into thinking they feel hot or tingly or whatever they "feel" as the fire or power of God?
"Fire!" "More!" "Glory!" "Hallelujah!" "Drink!" "Fill!"
I should probably be open and willing and ready to receive but I'd like to know if God or this revival or "the glory" or whatever is powerful enough to overcome my skepticism.
Why can't I taste or smell or see or feel the presence of God?
The worship leader/piano player just fell off his stool and stopped playing because he's under the "power or God." If I was there, you couldn't lose me. I'd still be playing, straight-faced.
*I then list all the "healings" and "miracles" that happen that all, all of which can't be verified that the illness or disability existed in the first place (cancer, deafness) and therefore can't be verified that they were actually healed.
Monday 28 January 2013
Old Journal Entries #1
So I found this the other day, all the way back from 2007. It's a journal entry about my beliefs and my questions and such and I thought I'd share because a) I find it interesting looking back and seeing the beginnings of where I am now and b) sort of to prove that this definitely has not been a very recent change - that it has been a long time coming. So here goes:
I've been thinking a lot about my relationship with God -- or lack thereof. I've heard that the longer you've been a Christian, the better/more you should know God. It makes sense. I should know God more this year than I did last year. I really should at least know Him more this month than last month, but we'll go with years because I don't even have that. I keep going over the same things over and over again. I don't really know how to explain it right...I guess I'm just following the rules...well, sort of. Yeah, like I flee sexual immorality, I don't lie, steal, cheat, dishonor my parents, take the Lord's name in vain, I don't work on Sundays, kill people (or hate them), covet, gossip, do drugs or drink alcohol, etc..you get the picture. but I don't know how to love God. I hate praying. I know how terrible that sounds..that means that I hate talking to God..ouch...but I do -- I get so bored and tired and would much rather do something else. Besides, there's always too much and not enough to pray for -- too many people and situations to pray for and not enough answers and things to pray for about them. and I really don't like reading my bible. If I'm reading a book and the author adds in bible verses, I skip them...They're annoying and I hate reading them. I hate sitting down and really reading the Bible because whatever I learn, I forget almost right away. I can never remember what I read about the day before. So what purpose does it serve? I know that if I want it to stick and everything, I have to really get into and study it and apply it, but I just don't want to. I sing/play on the worship team and lead worship but all I do is sing. I don't think about the words or consider whether it's pleasing God or not, or really even think about God at all. I think about the chords I'm playing, the way the drummer is playing, the way the bass players stands, the funny notes on the side of the music from the original that was previously used by another worship team member, how I can make the harmony sound better when there's no third harmony, etc. Midst all that, who has time to think about God? I'm just being honest about how I'm feeling and thinking these days. I know it's no good but I have to get it out to figure it out. I think I'm just too used to the Christianity thing. I can't seem to get past the flesh stuff to get to God. I guess in some ways, I'm bitter. About what? I'm not entirely sure. But I am bitter. When I talk about bitterness, my heart hurts and I tear up. What am I bitter about? The church, being used in the ministry, not having a real childhood, being eternally depended on, feeling like a disappointment when I take a break, being responsible for so many things, wanting to quit but wanting to please, being criticized and gossiped about, being verbally and emotionally attacked, being left out, being ignored, being lost and expected to find my own way, being misunderstood, being stabbed in the back, being lied to. And I don't know how to get past it all to get to God and what He really wants me to do and how He wants me to do it. I feel like praying is really emotional and sensing the Holy Spirit's presence is impossible for me. I can't see it, hear it, smell it, taste it, or feel it. You could tell me that it's there and I'd just have to believe you. I'm tired of all the church stuff. I don't know what to do. Anyway, I'm sure that if I did talk to God and all that jazz and actually had the right motives in place, I'd know what I was doing about life but it seems like even when I do fast and pray and read the Word and try to listen for God's voice, I'm as lost as I was when I started. I'm back to the whole "I can't hear God's voice" idea when it seems like everyone else doesn't have a hearing problem. Once again, I just don't know how to get around it.
I've been thinking a lot about my relationship with God -- or lack thereof. I've heard that the longer you've been a Christian, the better/more you should know God. It makes sense. I should know God more this year than I did last year. I really should at least know Him more this month than last month, but we'll go with years because I don't even have that. I keep going over the same things over and over again. I don't really know how to explain it right...I guess I'm just following the rules...well, sort of. Yeah, like I flee sexual immorality, I don't lie, steal, cheat, dishonor my parents, take the Lord's name in vain, I don't work on Sundays, kill people (or hate them), covet, gossip, do drugs or drink alcohol, etc..you get the picture. but I don't know how to love God. I hate praying. I know how terrible that sounds..that means that I hate talking to God..ouch...but I do -- I get so bored and tired and would much rather do something else. Besides, there's always too much and not enough to pray for -- too many people and situations to pray for and not enough answers and things to pray for about them. and I really don't like reading my bible. If I'm reading a book and the author adds in bible verses, I skip them...They're annoying and I hate reading them. I hate sitting down and really reading the Bible because whatever I learn, I forget almost right away. I can never remember what I read about the day before. So what purpose does it serve? I know that if I want it to stick and everything, I have to really get into and study it and apply it, but I just don't want to. I sing/play on the worship team and lead worship but all I do is sing. I don't think about the words or consider whether it's pleasing God or not, or really even think about God at all. I think about the chords I'm playing, the way the drummer is playing, the way the bass players stands, the funny notes on the side of the music from the original that was previously used by another worship team member, how I can make the harmony sound better when there's no third harmony, etc. Midst all that, who has time to think about God? I'm just being honest about how I'm feeling and thinking these days. I know it's no good but I have to get it out to figure it out. I think I'm just too used to the Christianity thing. I can't seem to get past the flesh stuff to get to God. I guess in some ways, I'm bitter. About what? I'm not entirely sure. But I am bitter. When I talk about bitterness, my heart hurts and I tear up. What am I bitter about? The church, being used in the ministry, not having a real childhood, being eternally depended on, feeling like a disappointment when I take a break, being responsible for so many things, wanting to quit but wanting to please, being criticized and gossiped about, being verbally and emotionally attacked, being left out, being ignored, being lost and expected to find my own way, being misunderstood, being stabbed in the back, being lied to. And I don't know how to get past it all to get to God and what He really wants me to do and how He wants me to do it. I feel like praying is really emotional and sensing the Holy Spirit's presence is impossible for me. I can't see it, hear it, smell it, taste it, or feel it. You could tell me that it's there and I'd just have to believe you. I'm tired of all the church stuff. I don't know what to do. Anyway, I'm sure that if I did talk to God and all that jazz and actually had the right motives in place, I'd know what I was doing about life but it seems like even when I do fast and pray and read the Word and try to listen for God's voice, I'm as lost as I was when I started. I'm back to the whole "I can't hear God's voice" idea when it seems like everyone else doesn't have a hearing problem. Once again, I just don't know how to get around it.
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