Just Do It!

Alright, so this post is less about my lack of beliefs and more about my changing attitude toward life.  I (and my husband, although we didn't plan it) have lately undertaken the attitude of "Just do it" in our lives. For me, this started about a month or so ago when I was thinking about how much I would like to read for a living. You only get one life and you might as well do what you enjoy to make a living, if you can and I enjoy reading. Also, I happen to naturally proofread and catch typos and spelling mistakes as I read so I thought, "How awesome would it be if I could proofread for a living? Just read books and fix them as I go, then hand them back all marked up and get a paycheck." Sure, I'd have deadlines, but I could still set my own schedule, and even when I am "working" it's doing something I love to do anyway. (Now you're all going to be watching for any mistakes I make, I know, but keep in mind, I blog like I talk so forgive the slang and run on sentences :) ...and emoticons apparently.)  My husband (we'll call him Daniel) suggested I go to the local newspaper and see if I could proofread there.  I thought that was a good idea.  Now normally, I'd hum and haw about it, and go over and over in my mind what I'm going to say and I'd get all nervous and feel extremely ill-prepared and think about all the ways it could go wrong.  (There's your slang and run on sentence - happy?)  Instead, I just decided to drive there on my way home from work, park the car and go in.  

I don't own this picture or the copyrights and I admit that this
is an ad for Nike.  I don't want any  trouble :) (Please don't
sue me :S)

Now my story is a bit anticlimactic here but bear with me.  I went in that day and asked about proofreading opportunities.  I was told I'd need to speak to the editor and that he was out of the office.  I was given his name and number and I gave the receptionist my information and I left, planning to call on Monday when he was supposed to be back.  I called Monday, after again considering whether to get all freaked out about it or just to call.  I just called.  I got a message saying he was out of the office until next week.  OK. Next week, I was out of the country but I decided I would try calling again when I got back.  And I did.  I got the answering machine and I left a message.  Two weeks later, I hadn't heard anything.  At this point, I'm wondering if he's gotten my message or not, if he just doesn't care or maybe he's really busy.  I don't know so I assume the best - that he's gotten my message but has had a lot to catch up on since he was out of the office for a week or so.   

So that brings us to today.  I drove past the building on my way to work and thought, "I should just drop in again and see if I can get anywhere."  This time, I didn't even think about getting nervous.  Drive in, park, lock the car, open the front door, smile.

"Hi, I'd like to talk to someone about any proofreading opportunities you might have." Calm, cool and collected :)

The receptionist said she didn't think they did that there but she went to see if the editor was in.  He was and I got in to see him.  I basically walked completely unprepared into an interview for a job, I'm not even sure exists.  And I felt pretty good about it.  We talked a bit about proofreading: why I wanted to proofread, how a proofreader (in his words) would be a godsend, how we could work in a proofreader when all the different articles are coming into the office at different times all day, how modern technology would permit me to proofread outside the office, on the go, throughout the day.  He took down my information again and said that when the two other editors got back to the office, he would talk to them to see if they could figure something out and he's supposed to call me in a few days.

If this turns into a job, it will be the first time I've applied for a job that's not only not advertised but at this point, does not exist (at least at this particular office).  I'll have created an opportunity for myself in something that I'm interested in rather than just looking for opportunities to come my way.  I'll have been proactive about my life and not let fear rule my actions.  I'll have bypassed the usual job search routines and gotten hired because I had enough guts to walk into the head honcho's office, say, "I like proofreading and I'm good at it.  Can I have a job?" and make him realize that I'm just what they're missing.

However, I could just end up having a volunteer proofreading position there, which I said I was willing to take. Eventually, all those things could still be true because I can make myself irreplaceable and eventually turn this into a job.

Worst case scenario?  They decide not to bother and I don't get either. That's ok.  I'll have gained an experience of being fearless and knowing what I want and going  after it.  Not in an obnoxious way but in a I-only-get-to-do-this-once-better-not-waste-it-just-wishing-I-was-happy kind of way.  And I'll have gained experience in the "Just do it" way of doing life.

I mentioned that Daniel has had the same epiphany recently.  Just in case anyone is curious, the circumstances he mentioned to me that exemplified his new "Just do it" attitude toward life were a) we were already having company at our house when my sister asked if my nephew could stay the weekend with us.  That meant one more person to host on an already busy, crowded weekend.  I was OK with it but at first when I talked to Daniel about it, he wasn't so sure we could take it all on.  As he thought about it for the next few minutes, this new attitude won out and he suddenly declared, "Let's do it!  We'll make it work." and b) today, we were talking about donating money to charities just as a general topic when it reminded him about donating blood and right then and there, he made an appointment to do it this week.  "I gotta just stop thinking about it and just do it."

On that note, I am afraid of needles and I have never donated blood but I do think it's a good cause.  Daniel has inspired me to just do it and I'm going to make my own appointment....Done! I am booked to be poked and prodded and eventually semi-drained tomorrow at 5:15pm.  

I feel like this is an extremely healthy way to go through life and a very helpful way to stave off my fears of being old and having regrets.  I think the more I realize how short and quick my life is, the less afraid I will be of trying new things and risking rejection.

"One of the greatest discoveries a (wo)man makes, one of his/her great surprises, is to find (s)he can do what (s)he was afraid (s)he couldn't do."  

~Henry Ford

Just Do It!

How I got here

I realized today that if I intend to send friends and family here when I come out as an atheist, I should probably write a post explaining how I got here - to an atheistic conclusion about life, I mean.  Plus, if ever anyone who doesn't know me happens to come along, they can understand more about my journey as well.

It was sometime in the fall of 2011 that I knew I didn't believe in God or the like anymore, but the journey started much earlier.

Growing up, it was instilled in me that I was alive because God put me on this earth and it was my duty (once I had accepted Jesus and been forgiven of all the sins I had somehow committed in my already short life) to serve God and do his will out of love and gratitude for my salvation and ticket to heaven.  I was OK with that for a long time because that was all I knew.  However, through my childhood and my teen years, as much as I tried to "draw close to God", he failed to draw close to me. It was always about having a relationship with God and I had no idea how to do that.  I'd talk to him but I never heard back.  I never felt anything.  Bible verses never jumped off the page for me.  When I asked people how to have a relationship with God, they told me to pray, and worship and to read my Bible. I was already doing that.  But I attended church anyway, led worship, prayed for people, and even preached a sermon and bible study, all the while trying to find God. I wasn't angry that it didn't seem to be working, I just figured there was something wrong with me, that I wasn't doing something right or well enough and I just needed to keep learning and trying.

I didn't say the sinner's prayer over and over during those years to make sure I was saved as some people feel the need to - I didn't doubt my salvation, but I did repeatedly "rededicate" myself to God because I knew I wasn't always living as the best Christian (which didn't necessarily mean I was doing awful things, but more like I wasn't reading my Bible or praying enough.)  I realized that it was very easy to live life without thinking about God at all, but I didn't clue into the reason for that until years later.  I just admonished myself for taking God for granted and tried to do better.  Especially in my teen years, I was frustrated that God didn't "touch" me so that I could feel his presence like others could, or he wouldn't help me change my bad habits that I kept praying about, etc.  I was really upset about these sorts of things for a while but then accepted them, thinking that I would just move on with life and if God ever wanted to do these things, he would.

When I graduated highschool, I was just working and going to church.  I was reading my Bible, leading worship, praying, tithing, going to church, etc, that all Christians should be doing but I realized that was the only reason I was doing them - because I was supposed to.  I decided to stop, only because I felt that I didn't have the right motives while I was doing all these things and figured I would start again when I could appreciate them.  The best example is prayer: for the longest time, I would only pray when I needed something and it was usually those quick prayers you send up when you're about to take a test or you fall and pray that no one saw your clumsiness. My plan was to pray, only if it wasn't like that.

I never ended up praying again - not because I had nothing to pray for, but because once I had something worthwhile to pray for, I understood that it wouldn't make a difference.  One of my friends was sick with stage four cancer and I did not pray for her.  At this point, I still believed in God but not in prayer. I knew that whether I prayed or not, God would do whatever he wanted.  It wouldn't matter if the whole world prayed for her, it was still up to him whether she lived or died.  As if to prove my point, she died, in spite of many, many people praying for her on a regular basis. I refuse to accept that just because I didn't pray for her, she didn't survive, as if I was the one or last person God was waiting to hear from before he healed her. And that "God always answers prayer but sometimes the answer is yes, no, or I have something better" cliche is not worth bothering about because it still then comes down to the fact that our prayers are useless because God will do what he wants anyway.  This is when I started having a lot of questions about prayer and a few other things, but I put them on the back  burner.

I went to college. I think what really kicked my doubts into gear was reading a book about 3 girls who grew up in a Christian cult and finally got out.  When I got to the end of the book, I was impressed that these girls could walk away from everything they knew because they had realized none of it was true or healthy.  I wondered if I could ever do that. And then I realized some similarities between their cult and my upbringing.  Please realize that I am not saying that I grew up in a cult; I don't really think of  it that way, but some of the same fear and control tactics were used.  For example, in both the cult and in my upbringing, it was understood that if you left the faith, you would not be under God's protection anymore and anything could happen to you, including the Devil coming after you.  It was also understood in both that doubts were from Satan and you needed to pray against them and get them out of your head.  Lastly, it was definitely understood that if you left the faith, and got hit by a bus the next day, you would go to Hell.  No wonder I was so impressed that these girls could be courageous enough to leave those teachings behind.  I knew that what their cult believed wasn't true, but they didn't always know that and yet they somehow got out of it.  Then I wondered, what if someone else is looking at me that way?  That what I believe isn't true and it's obvious to them but not to me - If I realized that Christianity wasn't true, would I be able to leave it behind?  I decided then and there that I wanted truth, no matter where it showed up, no matter what the consequence. Soon after this internal decision, I was talking with an open minded friend of mine from college who said to me that she thought God created us with brains and common sense so we could use them.  That really gave me permission to put my Christianity to the test.  I decided that if Christianity is true, it should be able to stand up to whatever inquiry I throw at it.

Late 2010, I was considering if there was a God.  At this point, I was too scared to even pretend there wasn't a God because God knew my thoughts and what if I died while I was "not believing in God" for a week?  This pushed me to really look into things.  I started to look into the Bible, to figure out how we got it, who wrote what, how it was put together and what it really says.  I watched a documentary by Bill Maher and he asked someone in it, "If you grew up with our fairy tales in the Bible and our Bible stories as fairy tales, would you still believe the Bible?"  I don't remember what the person replied with and I didn't know my answer yet either but I thought it was a valid point.  When I looked into it, I realized that we have no more evidence for the battle of Jericho, Jonah and the Whale, the tower of Babel, Sodom and Gomorrah,  or even the Exodus of the Israelites from Egypt than we do for Hansel and Gretel, Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella or Rumplestiltskin.  Furthermore, I was beginning to see the contradictions in the Bible for myself.  I had always heard of the contradictions people claimed were in the Bible but I had never read the whole Bible and I just assumed that if all these people believe in the Bible and it's inerrant nature, they must have good answers to these claims.  Turns out, they don't.  By early 2011, I was moving from a belief in a personal God to a God that just created the universe but then had nothing to do with us since.  I got to this point because I noticed that God made no difference in our world, but I still didn't understand how we and the world came to be so God must have still existed at one time or another.

The more I looked into things and considered Christian arguments for God, the more it was becoming clear to me that it was all made up.  There's no reason for Christianity to be more true than any other religion.  "Not all religions can be right, but they can all be wrong" is a quote I've seen around on the internet lately and it now makes total sense to me. Earlier I said that I would try to "draw close to God" and have a personal relationship with him and that it just never happened.  I wanted to feel him or hear him and I never did.  I have realized since that it's because I was trying to have a relationship with an imaginary friend and my brain wouldn't fall for it.  I never allowed myself to fake anything or pretend to feel something.  I was sincerely trying to be open and to reach out to God but I vowed that I would never trick myself into anything - I wanted any interaction to actually be God, not in my head.  So no wonder it never worked.  It makes no more sense for me to believe in Zeus or Santa than for me to believe in the Christian God.  It makes no sense to believe in any deity at all is what I'm really trying to say.  I know that believing in God is very comforting but in the long run, wouldn't it be better to realize there's no safety net to catch you before you walk out on the tight rope rather than running out in faith and falling only to realize there is only cement?

I may have not written everything I meant to and I may edit and add more later, but I am open for questions and discussion if anyone is not clear on anything or would like to know more.

I know that for many Christians, atheist is a bad word and conjures up a lot of negative feelings.  For the people that know me, I want you to think of me and try to reconcile those two pictures in your head: the person you've known for quite a while (I haven't changed that much) and the kind of person you think of as an atheist.  I am an atheist, but not likely the kind of atheist you pictured.  I use the word Atheist because that is what I am (simply meaning I don't believe God exists) and hopefully, it will help to establish a more positive association to the word in your mind.

I do know that I feel incredibly liberated since becoming an atheist and feel that I am in a much better position to enjoy my life and make a difference in the world, now that I am not tied down with superstition.  You should know that I am an atheist only because I've realized that God does not exist.  I am not angry at God, or at the Christians I grew up with.  I am sad for the people I know that still believe things I now think are superstitions because I think you can get a lot more out of life when you're not scared and controlled. (Some of you might say that you don't feel afraid or controlled, and I will tell you that I didn't either until I could see my Christian life from the other side.)

I am not an atheist because I want to sin and not feel guilty and get away with it.  I feel I am more moral now, than I was before - now I want to do the right thing because all of us, is all we've got and we should take care of each other and not hurt each other and support humankind to go further and be better.  I think it's incredible that we are here, not because God created us and the universe for us but because we've arrived this far through evolution in a universe that was not made to fit us but that we have adapted to survive in.

I am an atheist and it is a good thing.  

I am excited to be alive.

Anyone?

The longer I'm an atheist, the harder it is for me to remember how I really used to think.  The instinct that has stuck with me the longest is the feeling that God is out there, listening to my thoughts and watching me.  I don't think that I've been holding on to that on purpose, because I want that safety net or anything - I really think it was hard to get rid of that notion, even when I had decided I didn't believe in it, because it was the idea that's been pushed on me the longest and the hardest.  I may not have understood about prophecy and speaking in tongues until my later childhood but God and Jesus most likely came to be understood soon after "Mom and Dad" were established in my little brain.  I think the best way I can describe the feeling is this: I've heard many stories of when someone's parent dies, and still, years later, that person still sometimes picks up the phone to call that parent.  They've actually started dialing before it clicks in that the parent isn't there anymore.  It's because they are so used to that person being there for so long that sometimes it feels like they still are there.  That's how I sometimes feel about God now.  It's getting less and less though, which is good.

Back to my main point, the more I look into and educate myself on religions, evolution, the role religion plays in the world and the unreasonable respect religion demands, the more sense atheism makes and the less I can understand where I came from.  It is honestly, so hard for me to understand why it took me so long to deny God.  Oh, I know why it took me so long, but I can't imagine myself back into that moment to remember how it felt.  It's just too ridiculous and my brain fights it.  This is not really an issue, per say, except that it makes it more difficult for me to put up with all the Christians around me.  See, when I first concluded that God didn't exist, I thought that nothing really needed to change in my life.  I didn't believe anymore but it was still fresh enough that I felt, "some people just need this and that's OK."  Sure, I didn't pray anymore but that didn't mean I couldn't sit quietly while others prayed over a meal.  And yeah, I didn't have a reason to attend church anymore but I would go if my husband wanted to.  However, I'm realizing that these things bother me.  Church is a waste of my Sunday morning.  Prayer is nothing but words said with eyes closed.  Those are just small bothers though. The bigger bother of being a closeted atheist is when someone asks me if I prayed about a certain situation in my life or asks me to pray for them or someone they know, or they ask if I'm involved in a church and why not, or they ask how my relationship with God is, or they say some religious fact such as "That's what God wants" or "God doesn't approve of such and such" and look to me to nod my head in agreement.  I get so frustrated that even though I don't say anything to give them the idea that I'm a practicing Christian, they still assume I am one and treat me accordingly and if I had my way, I'd be way out of the closet by now, but I'm still held back for the time being.

I just wish I had someone I could talk to about all this.  At least.  I really just want it to be out in the open, but for now, I would settle for someone to talk to.  Anyone?