Anyone?

The longer I'm an atheist, the harder it is for me to remember how I really used to think.  The instinct that has stuck with me the longest is the feeling that God is out there, listening to my thoughts and watching me.  I don't think that I've been holding on to that on purpose, because I want that safety net or anything - I really think it was hard to get rid of that notion, even when I had decided I didn't believe in it, because it was the idea that's been pushed on me the longest and the hardest.  I may not have understood about prophecy and speaking in tongues until my later childhood but God and Jesus most likely came to be understood soon after "Mom and Dad" were established in my little brain.  I think the best way I can describe the feeling is this: I've heard many stories of when someone's parent dies, and still, years later, that person still sometimes picks up the phone to call that parent.  They've actually started dialing before it clicks in that the parent isn't there anymore.  It's because they are so used to that person being there for so long that sometimes it feels like they still are there.  That's how I sometimes feel about God now.  It's getting less and less though, which is good.

Back to my main point, the more I look into and educate myself on religions, evolution, the role religion plays in the world and the unreasonable respect religion demands, the more sense atheism makes and the less I can understand where I came from.  It is honestly, so hard for me to understand why it took me so long to deny God.  Oh, I know why it took me so long, but I can't imagine myself back into that moment to remember how it felt.  It's just too ridiculous and my brain fights it.  This is not really an issue, per say, except that it makes it more difficult for me to put up with all the Christians around me.  See, when I first concluded that God didn't exist, I thought that nothing really needed to change in my life.  I didn't believe anymore but it was still fresh enough that I felt, "some people just need this and that's OK."  Sure, I didn't pray anymore but that didn't mean I couldn't sit quietly while others prayed over a meal.  And yeah, I didn't have a reason to attend church anymore but I would go if my husband wanted to.  However, I'm realizing that these things bother me.  Church is a waste of my Sunday morning.  Prayer is nothing but words said with eyes closed.  Those are just small bothers though. The bigger bother of being a closeted atheist is when someone asks me if I prayed about a certain situation in my life or asks me to pray for them or someone they know, or they ask if I'm involved in a church and why not, or they ask how my relationship with God is, or they say some religious fact such as "That's what God wants" or "God doesn't approve of such and such" and look to me to nod my head in agreement.  I get so frustrated that even though I don't say anything to give them the idea that I'm a practicing Christian, they still assume I am one and treat me accordingly and if I had my way, I'd be way out of the closet by now, but I'm still held back for the time being.

I just wish I had someone I could talk to about all this.  At least.  I really just want it to be out in the open, but for now, I would settle for someone to talk to.  Anyone?