So I said that I would post an update when I eventually "came out" to my parents - this is half an update and half a post of worries. I've told my father but not my mother so I'll tell you how my father took it and write about how nervous I am to tell my mother.
My dad listened as I told him about my questions and how my answers have led me to not believe in God anymore. He very simply said that he would leave it between God and me and if God is real, and he thinks he is, He will show Himself to me. I replied that that would be fine with me, that I'm not against God, I just haven't found enough reason to believe in Him and that He showed Himself undeniably to me, I would believe, but that I just can't decide to believe, I need to be convinced. Holy run-on sentence. I think that's still true (that if God showed Himself to me, I would believe in Him), however, I'm beginning to wonder if I would follow Him. The more I look at it, the more I think, that even if God does exist, I don't think He's good or worthy of being followed and would likely refuse Him anyway. I know that to a lot of Christians that sounds pretty harsh and I probably sound exactly like what they think an atheist is: not someone who disbelieves God but hates Him and is choosing to refuse Him even though He is "so obvious". I think it makes a lot of sense and I promise to post in the future to clarify. For right now, I'm just posting about my parents.
So dad took it pretty well. I didn't really know how he would take it because sometimes about some things, he's very faith/religion oriented but at other times with other things, he's more practical and realistic. I kinda feel like his response was a balanced one from his life - a little bit of both.
My mum on the other hand is full out religion oriented. I've actually considered not telling her at all because I don't want to burden her with the thought that (according to her beliefs) I won't join her in heaven someday. However, mum and I were pretty close growing up, and had a lot of talks encouraging each other in Christianity and even though, again, I haven't given any her any reason to think I still believe all that, I haven't started outright "sinning" either so she, along with all the other Christians in my life, assume I'm still one. Therefore, mum still talks with me like we used to and I definitely feel like I'm being dishonest with her. I'm hoping to visit her this weekend and go for a walk and tell her. I don't want to be in her house when I tell her because I feel like she would feel cornered and I want to give her the space and chance to not invite me back in that day. I understand that it will be a lot for her to process. I also plan and on telling her the long version of my story. With most people that I've told, I given a little intro and then got right to the point: I don't believe in God anymore. With mum, I'm going to start at the beginning and slowly get to my point. Hopefully that way, she's be eased into it and before I get to the punch line, she'll already be guessing at it and attempting to prepare herself. And hopefully, if she starts crying, or yelling, or begging, or questioning, or maybe not speaking at all, I can stay calm.
That's how I figure coming out to mum will go. But a good friend once told me, "People can surprise you." so we'll see how it goes and I'll definitely update when it's done.
No comments:
Post a Comment